Saturday, January 23, 2010

M4M - JC - Part 2

JC drives me crazy sometime. First of, he told me to go on manhunt.net and looked for another guy to hook up with. lol not sure if he meant it or not. When I text him to see if he misses me, he said maybe and asked if I miss him. I said yes, then he would say me too. Often time, I feel that this unknown relationship to him is nothing but a joke. Or maybe, he never thought hard into it like I do. I know it's been only a couple weeks, and I don't want to expect anything out of it. My rule about going for a relationship is that - I'd rather it not work now before we both go any further and end up breaking each other's heart.

So this weekend he came up to see me and we went out. I was a little bit tipsy, and I noticed he was so self-conscious about himself. Subconsciously, I saw him as a guy who lacks of self-confidence, and is intimidated by the fact that he's a little bit chubby (average type to me). He didn't have fun at the club. Probably, he could not drink anymore until October this year (that's what you get when you drink and drive), so he could not loosen up. I just hope that although he found the club boring, but at least he enjoyed being with me and dancing with me.

Anyway, we got in an argument last night after returning from a new open gay club here. I introduced him to a friend of mine. I told my friend that JC is my man. First of, my friend was asking if I wanted to go smoking with him and I said no because I don't smoke. Then he asked if JC smokes, then JC answered that once in a while. Then he asked JC to go smoking. JC turned to me and said let's go. I was like what the heck. I of course said no because I don't like to smoke and if JC smokes, I would never let him tongue kiss me that night. He does realize how much I don't want to make out with a smoker. I was glad he didn't go, and my friend decided to stay. Then he asked my friend why not dancing? My friend looked at me and said let's go to dance. I didn't want to go and told JC to go dancing if he wanted to. Well, he didn't. It was a test, haha.... So he passed that one. But I started to realize that JC was kind of interested in my friend.

JC asked me if I wanted to drink something. I said no, and he was going to buy my friend a drink, but my friend also said no. JC returned and my friend went to talk to a lesbian. JC asked me to go dancing, I said okay. So we went. But then, he kept talking to me about what my friend was doing. He was literally observing my friend. I was disappointed and I suggested that we should go back home, but he wanted to stay a little bit longer. So we sat down again. My eyes were looking around but in fact, I was observing what he was doing. He was actually looking at my friend a few times. I felt that he was hoping that my friend would return to the seat and talked to us. It was a horrible scene to me to realize that he was actually checking out another guy who happens to be a friend I introduced him to. He kept asking me who I was looking at. I said no one and I became all quiet that night.

We finally decided to leave the club. The club itself was dead anyway. He asked me on the way home that why I wasn't talking anymore. I was sober already by the time I saw what he did. I refused to say anything and I thought that it's over between us. He kept asking me until I said what happened at the club. At first he said he wasn't looking at my friend, or my friend has a cute face but chubby body, etc. Then I confronted him, and he finally admitted that yeah he was looking at my friend a few times. I never expected him to be blind towards men he saw, but you can tell when you look at someone in a spontaneous way and in an intentional way. I told him that it's not late for him to find someone else that would be okay for him to do that right in the face and that I tend to be jealous. So if he's not okay with who I am, it's better to decide now then find out later. He said he liked me and wanted me, but what can I trust and what can I not trust. I really lost the ability to trust him.

He dared to tell me that gay relationship does not last long. To me, it's because sometimes we don't enjoy what we have. It's like what we have is not good enough. We wanted someone else to make us feel good, feel flattered and wanted. But for me, he's already good enough that night. I did not check anyone out because I was with him and it's not an obligation but a respect that I can best give to a guy that I am dating with. It's just a very basic thing, but why some people are so hard to do it? The grass is not always greener on the other side.

The entire night, he apologized and wanted to cuddle and kiss, but I could not do it. If it's meant to be over, I really don't want to pursue any intimate actions. If it was a hook up from the beginning, then I would not mind. But it was an unknown relationship that I wanted to make it become known. Obviously, I am into him. So by the morning came, we made up and I forgave him by giving him another chance.

It happened to me once in the past that a guy I was seeing was asking another guy's number on the dance floor right in front of me. Gay clubs are probably bad place to go to for boyfriends. It requires a lot of security and mutual trust to be able to stand there and resist all the temptations in front of your eyes. My ideal relationship is not just intimate when the door is shut, but also in an acceptable gay environment that we can still be together and no bullshits.

2 comments:

  1. I think if you are with someone, you shouldn't be out on a dance floor flirting with another.

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  2. I totally agree with you and I see myself in you very much. Yeah i know..trust is something that we cant keep tab of, in gay relationships..Bcuz men are available for sex that most of the times, gay men end up in night stands.. I really wonder why commitment is hard to get..

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